Capturing Confidence - Relationships (with yourself)

Are you celebrating Valentine's Day this week?

Well, whether your answered yes or no, you most definitely should be making plans to honour one very important relationship right now (and from here on after) and that's the one you have with yourself!

When I examined the results of the Capturing Confidence survey I did from a few years ago the number one answer that women gave as their biggest confidence hang up was body image and self esteem. Now with so much going on lately around empowering us women to stand up tall, raise our heads high and step in to our light, why are we still not putting ourselves on a pedestal?

Self love should always be your first love, unfortunately though,  I learnt that lesson the hard way. I put others and my desperation to be loved by them ahead of my love for myself and this consistently chipped away at my self worth and eventually trampled all over my self esteem, I found myself constantly questioning why? Why wasn't I good enough? Why wasn't I better? Why couldn't I make them happy? Why was I so unloveable?

Recognise any of this negative self dialogue?

Not only did this allow me to devalue myself and destroy any sense of who I truly was, it gave permission to others to do the same, and so then ensued many, many years of negative, harmful and sometimes rather dangerous and abusive relationships - now doesn't that paint a lovely picture for you?!

Each time I got caught up in that mess I managed to drag myself out of it again but I kept failing to learnt the lesson I should of done which is this...

No man, or woman for that matter, should ever hold the power to define who you are or how you feel.

That power should come from you and what creates that power is self love.

The love and regard you hold for yourself is the difference between what it takes to have a healthy, happy relationship as opposed to a toxic and unhealthy one. Too many of us have stayed in some down right awful relationships because we didn't have enough respect and admiration for ourselves to say - Hey, wait a minute, I'm worth more than this, I can do better than this and I want more than this.

And here's another thing, you may be reading this and thinking that you have a fab boyfriend, girlfriend, partner or spouse and that none of the scenarios mentioned above resonate with your relationship, and that could be true, you could be with the sweetest, most gentle, compassionate, thoughtful and understanding person in the world who's treating you like a princesses but you are still looking in the mirror and not feeling very comfortable with the person you see.

You hate your body.

You hate your clothes.

You don't feel smart, creative or talented enough.

You worry about what people think of you.

You hate social situations.

You think you have nothing interesting to say.

You think you love of dressing your pup up like Britney Spears is weird and that others will think so too.

Your scared to embrace your true passion and desires because you think people will judge you.

You don't think your good enough.

And your think that your sister, your friend, your boss or that super cool mum that you follow on Instagram with the most stylish wardrobe, gorgeous house, fabulous job, fantastic holidays and gang of equally trendy, well put together, exciting and uber cool friends is much better than you - yeah, your life will never be as amazing as hers...

Now if you don't ever say even one of the above to yourself from time to time, well, I'm just gonna out right call you a liar because I know you do, we all do and I know that in fact there's a lot of you out there who are thinking these kind of thoughts on a daily basis.

I also know that given half the chance you would change. Not the things about yourself that you are uncomfortable with or wish were different or better because that doesn't create or build self worth or self esteem, the prettiest, richest, most successful people in the word are not often the happiest. In fact what would and really should change is the way you think, your mindset, this is what brings you confidence in who you are and what you want to be.

Your mindset is the key to true love with yourself.

No doubt your now sat thinking - Oh well that's great Karen, my mindset, I just have to simply change my mindset and how the hell am I supposed to just breeze along and do that?!

Well I'll be honest with you, it's not actually that easy, it takes courage, strength and practice but if you can make that commitment to YOURSELF, it's so, so worth it.

I do think that making the commitment is the hardest part because that is the thing that keeps you going when you've lost all your courage and strength, that is what will push your forward to keep practicing self love but by doing so you can get through the tough times.

So here is a little exercise to get you started...

Schedule in some time to practice self love - this is actually my favourite way to show my self love and care for who I am and want to be and I do this as often as I can to keep me focused. Each week I have time put aside for just me, to work on me. Mine is literally planned into my diary and this ensures that actually happens. For you it could be 10 minutes at the end of the day, an hour just before bed time or 30 minutes first thing in the morning. It could be every Thursday night or every Saturday morning and I wouldn't recommend leaving it longer than every week because you really do deserve to be focusing on self love on a weekly basis. 

The best and biggest commitment you can make this Valentine's Day is one to yourself!

Stuck for inspiration on how to spend that time? Follow along on my Twitter and Instagram.

And don't forget if you have some feel good rituals you already practice do share them bellow!

Pearls of Wisdom - How to find lasting friendships

This quote from the incredible Oprah Winfrey is one of my all time favourites because it completely  resonates with my ideals and values when it comes to the people I share my time, my energy and my dreams with. As they say, you are the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with.

But what if your friendship circle isn't quite the reflection of what you need it to be?

Maybe the people you’re spending your time with are actually bringing you down?

Or perhaps you feel like you have no one to turn to at all?

Well, I think most people have been there at some point — feeling lonely in a new place, dealing with a toxic friendship or just simply life getting in the way of spending quality time with the people who know and understand you the best — but being wise to breaking out of this friendship rut can turn it all around, so read on for a dose of friendship wisdom.

Toxic Friendships

Ok, before we dive into this you may just want to know first of all what a toxic friendship looks like?

• You feel drained, in a bad way, when you spend time with them.
• You don't feel yourself around them.
• You worry about what they think of you, for no good reason at all.
• You dread spending time with them.
• You find it difficult to support them because they angry, bitter or jealous.
• You don't feel you can be honest with them on the important stuff.
• You find yourself making excuses not to see them.
• You get no mutual support or respect back from them.
• You know they are lying to, stealing from or bullying you.

Anyone you know spring to mind?

So now you're clearer on what a toxic friendship looks like, you see these traits in one, two, maybe more of your friends and you're thinking, actually I deserve better than this — yes you do! Because let me tell you toxic friendships have the potential to make you ill, they are not worth the heartache and there is never any value or point in holding on to any relationship that isn't lifting you higher.

Part of gaining respect is respecting yourself enough first to not let anyone treat you like crap, so please really consider that now is the time to ditch that toxic friend.

Here are various ways you can cut those ties depending on your comfort zone and confrontation tolerance (mine are pretty high so I have no problem with weeding out the dead ones — just saying!)

Easy peasy solution — start withdrawing slightly through social media, nights our or coffee dates and any other time spent together and keep going until you feel comfortable with the distance between you, after all you may be happy to see that person in a group but not just on a one to one basis or you may just want phase them out all together eventually, and if they ask about the withdrawal think about what you would be comfortable to say.

If you're feeling more brave — block them or unfollow from social media, don't respond to texts or emails anymore and decline all invitations to meet up, keep busy and focus on friendships that matter. Again if they ask why things are changing then think about how you want to handle this.

Blunt and to the point — not for the faint hearted! Let them know via email, phone or in person that you no longer feel that this friendship is a good one and that you are going to move forward without them and wish them all the best, certainly do think about what you want to say when they ask why.

PLEASE. BE. CLEAR. ON. ONE. THING.

Ending a toxic friendship does not, in any circumstances give you a free pass to be mean, hateful or nasty to this person or about this person, no matter how they have treated you. Stepping away from this person is about freeing up your own energies and leaving negativity behind, it does not mean slagging them off on Facebook, deliberately hurting their feelings or starting a witch hunt amongst your friendship circle, remember you may have some friends who wish to still spend time with them and it's not fair to put those friends in an awkward position...Ok then.

Finding Friendships

So, you have a new job or you've moved to a new city or you're starting a new class, or maybe your even attending an event where you will know no one — how the heck do you make new friends?

Well, all you have to do is remember the 3 C's and you're good to go!

• Connect - Have an icebreaker ready so you're not stumbling for things to say for example: Hey there I'm Karen and I''m from <insert wherever> are you local? Know of any good coffeeshops? I love your dress/scarf/earings/shoes where are they from? What's your favourite thing to do round here at the weekend? I'm a yoga obsessive, know any local classes? What's the best book you've read lately? What do you think of all this <insert any recent world drama> going on! What inspired to you to come here today?

• Conversation - Make sure the question is based around either their likes or around something they can expand on for you, this will keep the conversation flowing, hopefully! You can use as many ice breakers as you want and resist trying to talk too much about yourself at first because people love to tell you all about them and this is how you will find your common ground for friendship, do let them know though if you like/do/experience anything similar!

• Care - Now not everyone we meet for the first time is going to be our perfect best new buddy but if you care about the conversation, loving their vibe or just want to hang out again then care enough to share some contact details with them or be brave/bold and suggest that you meet up again at lunch, after yoga class or later for a few cocktails, if you don't have a follow up planned you may have missed an opportunity to continue the this new found friendship.

Putting yourself out there with friendships can also be a bit like dating, it feels nerve wracking when you want to get to get to know them better or even just approach someone to say hi - I've been at many a conference, mum and baby group or cafe and seen someone I would like to connect with and had to really talk myself into going up and saying "Hello, you may think I'm weird but I love your xox" or "I'm new here, can we hang out?!" It does take guts and being brave and yes sometimes people have shut me down but for everyone that did I have also met some other lovely people who didn't and actually relished that fact that did approach them, and have become a friend!

READ NEXT: 3 Ways to find your tribe.

Remember, you won't be everyones cup of tea and that's OK, the people that are meant to be will embrace your efforts and ones that don't, just put it down to experience, it will boost your confidence!

Nurturing Friendships

Ahhh, nurturing friendships! This is one of my favourite things to do and something you can do anytime, any place, anywhere! We all have friends who live a long, long, long way away (Hello my Canadian friends!) and we all have friends who have had a baby, changed jobs, got married or just moved to a different town and all these things amongst others, can really put the breaks on a friendship or at least reduce that quality time you both are used to having together. 

Now its wise to say that accepting these changes helps because, you know, life changes and evolves and the things you got up together at school, while you were both single or traveling round the world will not be the basis of your friendship in 5, 10, maybe even in just 2 years time and knowing and understanding that this happens makes it easier for the friendship to transcend these changes more smoothly!

So how can we nurture the friendships we love but don't get to spend as much time dedicating to them as we would like? Well let me give you some inspiration...

• Schedule some time in advance for just you and them - Monday evening could be catch up time via drinks or phone call, if you can't go weekly then arrange that one Saturday a month will be time spent doing things you love together, if if distance divides you then get those diaries out and map a weekends a year where you are planning something where you are spending time with each other, work out what suits your schedule and get a date planned in, sometimes quality friendship time does have to be organised.

• The power of Social media - keeping contact through Facebook, Instagram or Twitter is so easy now that you never have to miss out on any of each others special or not so special moments in life and you can tag each other in just incase. Find out what social media channels each other hanging out on, don't just relying on Facebook because you be missing out on all the fun each other is having on Snap Chat or YouTube for instance.

• Snail Mail - go retro, go vintage, go the old fashioned route and send them a letter all about what you've been up to lately, there are so many fun and funky card and stationary options out there now, I particularly like Kate Spade and ShopBando for cute and quirky note cards! You could even send them a little care package of all the favourite bits and bobs, this is especially nice when you know they are going through a rough time.

• Start a club - If distance or time is a problem and you don't get to see each other as often as before starting an online book, movie or craft club is ideal. You don't have to spend time together to participate in doing something fun and interesting with them, then once a week or month have a day or and evening where meet or call each other - remember theres also FaceTime and Skype at our finger tips too - and share your thoughts, feelings and insight with each other over coffee or cocktails.

Of course you can expand on this, get creative with your friends and brainstorm up some exciting and new ways to make memories together, you could even go for that holiday of a life time together!

The friendships you have in your lifetime are what you make them, they should evolve, fill you with joy and keep you buoyant. Your friends should be people who keep you moving forward, embrace your quirky bits, put up with your annoying bit and be cheering you on when you follow your dreams. If you haven't met your friendship soul mate yet don't give up, they are out there somewhere, you just haven't met your tribe yet, whether that be one, two or a hundred of them, keep putting yourself out there, just keep on connecting.

What are your friendship pain points? You can share below in the comments or come and say Hi and join in the conversation over on Instagram  see you there!