Why you can’t please everyone and why you shouldn’t!

Ok, so before we get into it I’m going to hold my hands up and say that I’m a recovering people pleaser!

Pretty much most of my teens, twenties and some of my thirties were spent trying to second guess if people liked me, approved of my choices, were Ok if I did something different and so on, and so on! Also,  I hardly ever said no and would go out of my way for someone so I didn’t let them down, even if they were letting me down!

Needless to say I wasted a lot of time and energy trying to be everything to everyone and not really learning how to just be comfortable with being me. 

So what changed?

Well, it was actually a combination of several things —  life experience, maturity, relationship breakdowns and massive mindset shifts, plus growing and flexing my confidence and self worth muscles along the way too.

But to get to a place where you can make a change in your people pleasing habits you need to understand why you will never please everyone, AND why you shouldn’t aim to either.

There is a brilliant quote from Dita Von Teese that nails it nicely...

"You can be the ripest juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be someone who hates peaches."

Which is basically saying you can be your utter most amazing, brilliant, fantastic self but there will still be someone who doesn’t like you, get you or approve of you and/or your ideas and choices!

And you know what — that’s ok! 

Now I’m guessing at this point your heart might be racing a little and you could be feeling all sweaty and fraught? The idea of someone not liking or approving of you or what you are doing can feel extremely uncomfortable to many, but why is that? 

Well, as social animals we strive to fit in and we get rewarded when others around us approve, we get a hit of those happy hormones that lift us up and we feel included and valued. But what we fail to see is that sometimes this at our own expense.

Unfortunately there will always be people out there in the world that will manipulate others to get what they want, they will use a people pleaser to their advantage. There are also people who like to be in control, have it all their own way and they will also use people pleasers to their advantage.

Let me tell you these people do not deserve your time, energy and generosity so learn to spot these toxic behaviours and give yourself permission to please you and not them, this my friend is where you start flexing those confidence and self worth muscles!

Another reason why you can’t please everyone is because we are all simply different people, with different tastes, ideas and opinions, and that is ok too! Now some people like to exert their different feelings and opinions on to others, that isn’t ok. You can always listen and try to understand where those differences are coming from but you don’t have to agree or act upon them, you can absolutely agree to disagree and hopefully move on.

Now I think it’s important to mention here that we all need to flex sometimes too, please understand I’m not suggesting that you demand to have everything your way or just blatantly say no to everyone and everything without consideration, we must be reasonable and compassionate people too. 

But what I am talking about is those moments when you hear yourself saying yes, or see yourself changing your behaviour when inside it feels wrong and not aligned with your best interest — those are the moments when you have to take a step out of the situation, be brave and focus in on what is right for you.

So how the hell do we actually do this then?!!!

Well, first and foremost keep front of mind that there will always be someone that you can’t please and work on that acceptance. If this person is sincere in their relationship with you they will hopefully understand.

But what if they don’t?

What if it’s your mum, or best friend or partner or child, or your boss??!!

So if it’s someone that is greatly important to you that is not being pleased this is where you take a deep breath and have a conversation about what is important and valuable to you and how you owe it to yourself to put your best interest at heart. Now this is hard I know and one of the biggest mindset shifts  I had to go through was getting comfortable with confrontation, not because I enjoyed it but because I wasn’t afraid to stand up for myself and do the right thing by me.

A big part of no longer being a people pleaser is getting comfortable with hard feelings that might not come easy and behaviour that doesn't feel natural, that’s why it’s a mindset shift and it needs to be practiced and nurtured.

How do we go about this mindset shift?

So approach it as a self love/care project, identify situations in your life where you go into people pleasing mode, think about who you are trying to please and how they contribute to the situations too. Then think about, (and I highly recommend writing them down too) ways that you normally react and how you want react instead. Next I want you to practice, yes practice reacting differently and have in mind what you will do if this person starts to make you feel bad.

Being ready and prepared will help you to stand your ground and focus on what’s best for you.

Remind yourself...

- Not everyone likes, wants, needs or agrees with what you do.

- It’s ok to be different and crucial to follow what matters to you most.

- We are all unique, difference is a fact of life that should be acknowledge but not held against.

- Your time, energy and resolve are precious commodities, respect and honour them (and you will find other people will start to as well!)

- You owe people nothing, it’s important to show respect and compassion to others but not at the detriment of your personal wellbeing. 

- You don’t give to receive, which means people shouldn’t give to you in expectation that they can hold you over a barrel on it later down the line.

- It’s not your job to please everyone — it’s your job to nourish and nurture yourself. Your happiness lies within you and other people’s happiness lies within them, no one has the right to put this upon you. 

And finally...

Setting a benchmark for yourself on how people treat you is vital for your overall wellbeing, treat yourself how you expect others to treat you. If you spend time trying to please everyone you will end up spending your life running round in circles after others and you deserve far more than that. There’s another great saying that goes...

"Nothing changes, if nothing changes!”

If you continue to place value on pleasing others to the detriment of yourself then you will continue to feel shitty about yourself, and them too! I promise you the world won’t cave in if you start to putting your best interest first. 

So... Do YOUR own thing, forge YOUR own way, create YOUR own path!

There’s always going to be bumps in the road, especially when it comes to other people but those bumps make us stronger, wiser and more resilient, it’s good for you to say no — be a no person instead!

I'd love to know your thoughts on if or how you struggle as a people pleaser, comment below or tag me in on Instagram!

The benefit of taking things slow

Ok before we get this started I need to confess to you that I have spent my whole life rushing into things, and although some of those actions have proven to be exciting, sometimes necessary to avoid missing out or over analysing and getting stuck, the negative consequences of rushing in too soon have mostly outweighed the good.

I’ve lost money, ended up in awful, detrimental relationships, got stuck in the wrong job/career, lived in places that sucked all my energy and been hurt by people who I thought were genuine friends - this is just a snap shot of what I’ve encountered.

But this post isn't about throwing a verbal pity party for me and my poor judgement in the past, it’s about celebrating the benefits of slowing down and why it might feel better for you right now.

So why slow down then?

Well, the 21st century has seen the world turn into a 24/7 culture where instant gratification has become normal and expected. We live for the likes on social media, constantly spewing out content and seeking out the latest new thing to share with our online world. We indulge in fast food and instant beverages, open all hours shops and business. We can decide to visit anywhere in the world because transport links are so far and wide and with technology at our side we can connect to anything we want to get, see or participate in whenever we want.

Not to mention our social life, workload and family responsibilities piled on top of this, life is full and bursting to the seams and it can feel like you have to constantly be in full speed ahead mode to keep up with it all.

When life gets fast and furious you put ourselves at risk of either burning out or making a mistake that goes against your better judgement or later regret because you didn’t take the time to pause and think things through. 

As the world around you continues to change you will constantly be given challenges or scenarios that you will need to navigate to keep living your life. It may feel tempting to rush into making a decision or acting in a certain way, some might be very inviting giving off the illusion of instant gratification but this is where I gently nudge you to stop for a moment and consider all the possibilities on offer and really reflect on what will ultimately give you long term peace and satisfaction.

Slowing down means more time to ground yourself in your thoughts, researching and reflecting on your opinions, ideas and behaviour. Slowing down encourages you to listen to your mind and body and gives you space to consider what really matters and not impulsively acting on your initial reaction.

Doesn’t it make sense to take the time to really slow yourself down when life starts moving too fast?

How can we connect to that #slowliving lifestyle? 

So what does slow living look like when your world starts to speed up then?

Well, recognising the signs is a good start, feeling tired, overwhelmed and stretched are all good indicators that you are finding it hard to keep up and are ready to hit pause. Also look out for situations when you find yourself following the crowd for sake of trend or popularity or find your decisions being swayed by others for their benefit rather than yours. Influence can be a tricky thing and if we fall under the wrong side of it there maybe unpleasant consequences to bare.

Another factor to consider is why, what does rushing into this situation bring you? Are you craving instant gratification, does this decision promise you feel good benefits you can’t live without or are you just trying to plicate are story in your head?

When you know what, why and when you can start to take steps to slow yourself down.

Slow living is a personal thing too so you get to control how it looks for you. 

You can try out different ways of doing things like changing your routine or by removing a scenario that doesn’t currently serve you. Choosing to do nothing is also sometimes choosing to do the thing you really need to. Slow living can be a simple as taking time out in the afternoon to switch off your phone and read a book, bake a cake or potter in the garden, another way to tap into this energy is to meditate too. It always amazes me how much people feel they need to cram into their down time each week, I know so many people who plan out every moment of their weekend but when do they get a chance to just be with themselves?

It can also mean changing the way you work or show up for your business, how you enjoy your hobbies or engage in relationships. Maybe you can connect with someone who is already seeking out ways to slow down and gain some inspiration from them.

How you show up in the world and in your local community can also influence your slow living lifestyle, ask yourself do you really need to rush into this situation today? Do you really need to make that decision right now and if you do grant yourself a bit more time and space to really reflect and ask questions before you do. Does this reflect my core values? Does this support the person I want to be or the life I want to lead?

Slowing down any aspect of your life, even if it’s just for a while, can give you the grace to keep moving forward in the best way possible, keeping you connected the things that are meaningful and important to you. 

And above all else, taking time off every once in a while to just be still is the best gift you can give yourself.

Do you feel like it might be time to slow yourself down? 

Get in touch at 365pearlsofwisdom@gmail.com I’d love to know how your slowing down lately!

How to realign with your goals

It’s a popular belief that if you want to achieve something then you have to set some goals to help that happen, as they say - a dream without a plan is just a wish - and I would tend to agree with that, but what if those goals you set out and the dream you had planned for suddenly had to shift, or even be scrapped all together?

When life takes a sudden twist or something unexpected happens it can leave you feeling lost, that sense of having to abandon your goals and let go of what you thought was possible is frustrating at the very least, if it was a big life plan you can find yourself grappling with heart break and overwhelm and even if it wasn’t it’s annoying still having to let go of something that felt important to you.

I’m guessing you're here because to some varying degree this is where you find yourself now, with a plan that’s become invalid and goals or intentions that need re-prioritising. 

For some people that might be a hard pill to swallow but where ever you sit, there’s still hope, a simple realignment to those goals and plans is all it takes and together we can get you back on track again!

• First off - take a look at your original goal or plan, evaluate what still feels real and important to you and what doesn’t resonate any more. It may be that some of the things you wanted to achieve have organically changed now anyway.

• When you’ve decided what’s not possible or aligned with you are anymore it’s time to connect to what is. It may be that some of your old goals just need to be pivoted, this next step is a nice way to get a bit creative with yourself and think outside the box. If you do find yourself having to scrap your dreams altogether you may want to skip to the last step.

• If finances are the obstacle now what can you strive for free? For example can you take a free course, make over a space in your house with resources you already have or a yoga class on You Tube. 

• You may be facing a time problem because of a change in lifestyle, work commitments or location. Can you tweak your daily routine? Is there someone you can ask for help so that you can access the time you need? Ask yourself what small or even big changes can you make to allow it to still happen? 

• Finally, do you need to refocus your goals or plans completely? It may be that outside circumstances or events beyond your control has caused this to happen, or that something in your life has changed or ended and what you once had your sites set on is now no longer possible. If this is your situation first off take some time and allow yourself to grieve over lost plans and dreams, it’s never easy when you have to give up on something you deeply desired. Getting angry or being in denial could be common emotions but the key is to not dwell on it for too long because I truly believe as one door closes another one opens. If this feels hard to connect to trusted people for support, their thoughts and ideas might spark new inspiration, remember just because something didn’t work out doesn’t mean it wasn’t valid or achievable and it might be a matter of you just having to shelve that dream for a while. Take some time to figure out what your next move will be now and don’t be afraid to try out new ideas or goals to find something that fits.

Hopefully there’s at least a drop of inspiration above for you to get started on realigning with your goals and dreams. If your not sure where to start or want to focus on a smaller time frame then you can try out my Month in Review Worksheet which is a free downloadable resource to help you look at how things are for you right now as well as planning goals for the month ahead, it’s located in the workbook section at the top of this page.

Don’t forget to share any thoughts, questions or ideas with me too, you can get in touch by emailing me at 365pearlsofwisdom@gmail.com