Navigating Toxic Relationships and How to Rest

Ever had a relationship with someone that felt difficult and uncomfortable, or one now that still fills you with dread and anxiety? You may be experiencing a toxic relationship.

According to yourdictionaty.com the definition of toxic is... 

Something poisonous, or something very harmful or bad.

Those are some big, intense adjectives right? But a toxic relationship can have the potential to be all these things if you let it, plus they're not just exclusive to romantic relationships, you can have them with friends, family members, work colleagues and even neighbours - just about anyone in your life really.

Navigating a toxic relationship can bring shame, anger and a feeling of wading through mud — hard, uncomfortable and completely isolating. These kind of relationship can constantly bring you down as well as impacting massively on your energy levels, and what’s more they can be very hard to break free from especially if you find yourself as a people pleaser or experiencing a time in your life where you are vulnerable.

Some toxic relationships can also cross the boundaries of bullying and being abusive and it’s really important to understand if you are trapped in that situation and where to find support, look out for more information on this at the end of the post.

Over the years I have had my fair share of toxic relationships, plus as a support worker I’ve helped women in all kinds of different situations manage and overcome toxic relationship so I’m sharing some of my personal and professional tips here to help you too:

So how do you know if a relationship is toxic?

A simple and easy way to know if a relationship is toxic is to observe how you feel about this person and spending time with them, ask yourself:

- How do I feel when I make plans to see them?

- How do think and feel in the lead up to spending time with them?

- How do I feel when I’m with them?

- Do they say or do things that are disrespectful and/or hurtful towards me as a person or my lifestyle?

- Do they criticise my choices, decisions and/or beliefs

- Do they undermine me?

- Do they always centre themselves in our conversations or activities?

- Do they control or manipulate our time together?

- How do I feel after I’ve spent time with them?

These are some questions you can ask yourself about a potential toxic relationship to understand what’s going on better by establishing how you react to and experience your time with this person. 

If you see a negative patten or even feel upset and uptight while exploring these questions then that’s a sign that this relationship is having a toxic effect on you, if your not sure use the questions to dive deeper still.

How can you manage this relationship?

At this point you may have known or suspected that a relationship is toxic for you, however you may have just discovered this for the first time and feel confused, overwhelmed and possibly quite anxious. If you are feeling troubled it’s important to look after yourself, think about a trusted person you can talk to or somewhere you can find support (more information below).

Some of you may be very aware that a friendship or a relationship with a neighbour is having a negative impact on you but not feel like you know how to navigate it in a way that leaves you feeling good and well, so here are some ideas:

You could choose to step away from the relationship if you can, some people are only meant to be in our lives for a period of time and just because you’ve known them from pre-school doesn’t mean you have to remain connected to them, especially if that harmful and unpleasant for you.

If you have to spend time with them because of circumstances like work or family commitments then you can out some mindset practices in place before hand:

- Share how you feel with someone you trust

- Make a choice to respond to their toxic behaviour calmly

- Know that their opinion is just that and not fact

- If their behaviour or conversation gets to much give your self permission to disengage 

- Know that any negativity or harmful behaviour is a reflection of them and not you

You may find yourself at a point where you no longer want a relationship to continue, so should you end it by telling them why or slip away from the relationship quietly?

The easier option is to just stop talking to them and/or seeing them, BUT is that the right option? Only you can make that decision for yourself, if you choose to let that person know that you no longer want to spend time with them I urge you to do it in a respectful and calm way, try to stick to facts stating how you feel rather than suggesting they make you feel a certain way, for example:

“I need some time to myself because I find our conversations/time together difficult/negative/not in my best interests any more.”

It’s tempting to lay all your hurt feelings and angry emotions out for them to see but it’s likely they will agree or not understand. You can end a relationship with someone in a polite and calm way and I promise you will feel better for it.

What can you do to feel balanced and rested?

Once you have come away from the time spent with them, or the relationship for good, it’s important that you take some time to rest and recover. You may feel emotionally and mentally exhausted and acknowledging that and making time for self care is so important.

Again talk to someone you trust, plan something positive for yourself in advance that you know will make you feel good afterwards, journal your thoughts and feelings, get plenty or water and rest as these two things massively impact us especially when we are stressed. 

Most of all continue to practice compassion and forgiveness towards yourself, you most likely haven’t done anything wrong in this relationship, if this person is making you feel bad about yourself keep questioning it, is that really the truth, are you really who or what they project you are?

Perspective is everything and it’s yours, not theirs that matters!

If you find that your relationship is abusive...

You can discover if you are experiencing domestic abuse by visiting the Women’s Aid website and reading more about what domestic abuse is here. It’s really important to reach out for support if you feel the toxic relationship in your life is actually domestic abuse, here are some other useful resources:

National Domestic Abuse Helpline 

National Bullying Helpline

Support Line

Bullying.co.uk

Relate

Toxic relationships are always tricky, remember you always have a choice about how and when you engage in them and when you start taking control you will feel more empowered and most importantly more peace with in yourself, after all life is to short to put up with something that doesn’t look out for your wellbeing.

And as Oprah once said - “Surround yourself with people who only lift you higher!"

Finding Joy in the hard stuff

Things go wrong.

Every one of us, no matter how perfect our social media feed is curated to showcase an amazing life to outside world, has deal with some tough times at least once in our life.

No one has an easy ride, ever. 

But dealing with the hard stuff can be easier or more manageable for some than it is for others. I get it too, when life gives you lemons that sourness can quickly take over but just knowing how to make even a tiny drop of lemonade can give you the energy and resolve to not only keep going but get stronger and more resilient with each new adversity you face down the road.

I’ve face my fair share crap - abusive relationships and painful break ups, infertility and baby loss, ending friendships and loosing people I care about, struggling at work and making endless uncomfortable and cringe worthy mistakes - I have f**ked up countless times, and it’s felt raw and heavy.

My default setting has been to wallow which was quickly followed by being all consumed and unable to move forward, I was fatalistic and not able to let any light in, and that my friend would continuously hinder my ability to bounce back when life felt too hard.

This way of living was truly exhausting, I was miserable and missing out. Plus all my conversations hinged on negativity but really I was craving light and a reason to smile.

It was simple really, I just needed to give myself permission to find the joy instead being defined by the hard stuff. You can do it too and its probably easier than you think.

I know I’m lucky to be a mum and have my kids around me because for me they are a constant source of joy and even on the days when motherhood feels hard they are always doing little things to make smile, it’s choosing to focus on them instead of the tough bits that brings the joy.

I’ve learnt to find joy in me too, in my passions and interests, in the person I’m becoming and more recently in my own company. When I was younger I always placed joy and happiness into the hands others which is a dangerous game to play, then I turned 30 and learnt to fall in love with the person I was and wanted to become. I actively invested in the relationship I had with myself by working on the bits in my past that felt uncomfortable and I even found joy in the mistakes I made, acknowledging how far I have come since then. 

Accepting that life is full of hard stuff sometimes, especially when things have gone wrong in the past, has been my biggest gateway to allowing myself to find joy when life gets tough now. Thats why I created my Little Love Letters Workbook so you can have a way to reconnect back to who you are too. By working through the uncomfortable bits and creating more love in the relationship you have with yourself you can learn to find joy when your life feels hard. I know myself what I difference this makes to life and what you can get out of it - imagine making peace with your past, understand your present and embracing your future, imagine feeling brave, confident and joyful still when life gets bumpy?

Last of all I keep it simple, I look for joy in the small moments in life. When something feels big and scary I seek out joy in cooking good food, a funny film or sharing a moment with someone I love - like dancing around the kitchen or jumping own the bed! 

I also look for joy in the successes of others too, knowing that when something good is happening to someone else, they are being looked after and their good fortune has a ripple effort, plus it reminds us that nothing truly stays hard, things ebb and flow for everyone.

As we get older it seems that our lives and the world we live is much harder, there are so many things to worry about, more and more difficult situations come our way. Finding joy will protect you against the weight of it all, go out and seek it or create it for yourself, your emotional and mental wellbeing will thank you for it, and adversity will become that little bit easier to sail through.

Go sip some lemonade, enjoy it, even if you’re living with a bowl full of lemons.

Share your moments of joy in hard times with me below or come find me on Instagram.

How to feel confident when your day is going badly

I don’t know about you but when my day starts going badly right off the bat I often rule the whole day out as one that will go wrong. But I’ve come to notice this isn’t really the case but more my negative mindset taking over.

It’s easy to do though, we get up and knock over a cup of coffee, the cat pukes on the carpet and we drop buttered toast down our top! Or sometimes its a text from the bank to say there’s no money in your account to pay your phone bill, a crappy email from your boss or you get stuck in traffic and find yourself late again. We’ve all been there right?

Its so easy to be affected by all this, you feel your stress level rising and a tightening in your stomach — another bad day! Your confidence in yourself wobbles and already you’re dreaming of bed time or something indulgent to ease the stress at the end of the day! 

What’s troublesome about all this negative chatter though is that it can define your mood and outlook for the rest of the day, you end up looking for all thing things going wrong instead of noticing all the things going right, you miss out on celebrating that because you’re too busy feel worried or defeated!

So what if next time your day goes badly you made a choice to keep an open mind? Because when we choose to reframe our negative thoughts we’re more likely to see the good things that do happen. 

Here are 3 tips to remember the next time you start to have a bad day:

1) One bad moment does not equal a bad day, in fact even a few disastrous incidents does not stack up to a day of bad luck or things constantly going wrong for you. Don’t let every stressful situation that unfolds define how you want to feel or how you see your day going. You can acknowledge the mess up for what it is and move on, good and bad stuff can happen side by side, you don’t have to carry that negative energy around for the rest of the day!

2) If you get caught up in the moment and feel yourself spiralling press pause for a moment. Make a hot cuppa, read a book or listen to a few of your favourite songs. Taking a step back from whatever has gone wrong can help you to first off see the situation for what is truly is, then you can refocus and move on.

3) If you struggle to redefine your energy or press pause in the bad moments of the day then create yourself an emotional anchor. This can be as mentioned above a certain song, object or activity, or a feel or mantra that you zoom in on when you feel yourself struggling under the stress of a bad day. You may have to try a few different ones out first to find the anchor that works for you but having this go-to setting to immediately ground your emotions to will certainly cut through all the noise that feels hard and overwhelming to manage in the moment.

My best tip here is to combine all 3 too, because they all fit nicely together and used in tandem will give you your best chance to feel more confident in yourself when you feel like the world is against you and this is going to be the worst day ever!

Which tip might work for you? Let me know in the comments below or come find me over on Instagram. 

10 Summer Self Care Ideas to Avoid Overwhelm

Are you in full summer holidays mode and feeling it? 

Maybe you’re not, maybe you still find yourself thinking about the weeks that are stretching out in front and wondering how you’re going to get through them. 

Either way you may have a sense of overwhelm right now not only about how you will fill this time but also around how you might keep your sanity, especially if you find yourself in a position where you can't experience or commit to all you want or need to this summer. 

Overwhelm, panic, anxiety - none of these things add up to that serene summer feeling we all wish for so I’ve come up with some self care inspiration to help combat this. 

There are a variety of ideas to try out and choice from, some will give you instant gratification and peace, others might take a bit of planning but will leave you feeling refreshed, empowered and ready to take on anything. Hopefully there’s something for everyone, so here you go...

1. Spa Day at Home - now a summer spa day is a staple for many but may sound cheesy to others so hear me out. The key is to clear out a significant chunk of time to be by yourself, either a morning/afternoon or an entire day if you can mange it and indulge in some feel good pamper activities that you enjoy. Don’t forget to have on hand a relaxing book, a favourite podcast or music and add in extras like candles, crystals and essential oils. This might not be for everyone but the key is to personalise it to you and remember it’s not just about the pamper but a chance to reconnect back to your body and self. 

2. Make your bed - this is so quick and so easy and will leave you feeling accomplished and at peace before you've even had breakfast. Every time you walk into or past your bedroom you will get a sense of feeling like something in your world is together and finished.

3. Digital Holiday - you may not be going on your usual summer holiday but I would highly recommend booking a get away from your digital world! Pick out at least one day, but preferably a weekend or a whole week if you dare, to shut down all screens, turn off social media and disengage from instant messaging! Remember it’s only a holiday and the peace you'll gain will really help you to refocus your attention and calm your nerves. You can always let people know that your taking a break and give them alternative ways to contact you in an emergency or reassure that you will catch up with them later on!

4. Create a self care space - this is such a joyful and loving activity to do for yourself and it can be as big or as little as you want to make it. Pick out a corner or nook of your home and make it into a self care space dedicated just to you. This can be a quick and easy activity by using things you already have around your home like favourite books, candles, cushions and keepsakes that are meaningful and comforting to you, then sit down, relax and take 5 OR maybe you want to turn this into a mini make-over activity? You could treat yourself to a new chair, hang a favourite picture and repurpose a pretty lamp, by creating a dedicated space in your home just for self care you are more likely to use it and give yourself permission to find the time to decompress from the stresses of the day.

5. Take on a self care project - this time over the summer can feel daunting to fill but taking on a longer term project can help you to reflect on how you're feeling and track any changes that are unfolding in your life, plus a longer term self care project is a nice way to record or remember a certain time or transformation in your life. Try my Love Letter Workbook to connect back to the relationship you have with yourself. Through the guide in the workbook you’ll write beautifully crafted love letters to yourself, designed to build your resilience, boost yourself esteem and create last confidence, imagine coming out the other side of summer with a more positive relationship with your past and present and feeling ready for the future?

6. Make over your mornings - this is taking your "make your bed every morning” idea one step forward but if changing up your morning routine feels overwhelming in its self then just start with the bed thing first or change up another little thing from your morning routine like what time you get up or what you have for breakfast. Maybe you want to add in exercise or read a book in the garden or start eating breakfast as a family - aim for a few changes, observe how you feel and see if shaking things up in the morning creates a different mindset for the day ahead.

7. Mini Life Detox - the key to this is staying micro or it can do the opposite to reducing overwhelm. Take one area of your life that needs a shake up or a change and spend a day getting rid of everything that no longer serves you. It could be a room in your house, the food you snack on, a difficult relationship, your wardrobe or your social media habit! I recommend spending some time first making a mini plan so your don’t get overwhelmed, set a small goal to achieve and reverse engineer how you can spend one or a few days doing just that, you can aim to do it over a week instead if this feels more manageable.

8. Say Yes to yourself - if you’re feeling all the pressure right to say yes to everyone else’s needs then here is the permission you’re looking for to say yes to yours instead. It’s fun to spend time with others and it can be nice to commit to doing something for someone you care about but not if it causes you anxiety and overwhelm, you don’t have to please everyone and you shouldn’t aim to either.

9. Take a trip by yourself - if you do find yourself surrounded by others and it’s all too much then a trip out by yourself can be just the self care tonic you need, if you can take a whole day and go for it! Plan to go somewhere that’s meaningful to you, that you know will lift your spirit or give you a much needed boost, this could be anything from a walk on the beach to a solo trip to the cinema on your own.

10. Get lost on purpose - now this could be all about getting out for a drive in your car and seeing where the journey takes you but it could also be as simple as getting lost in a book, in cooking a delicious meal, your favourite music or sneaking away for a secret bath!

I hope this has given you some inspiration to add to your summer self care toolkit, try one of these out whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed, and I would highly recommend book marking one day a week to plan in some self care because having something positive to look forward to brings happiness, which fuels our resilience and keeps overwhelm at bay!

Don’t forget to keep in touch by leaving a comment below or you can email me at 365pearlsofwisdom@gmail.com