Pearl of Wisdom Number 14 - Growing Friendships in Adversity

(*Note if your reading this post 2020 this was written at the time of the Corona Virus pandemic)
It’s felt so dark at times lately hasn’t it?!  Living through this period in life where everything we’ve come to know in the western world as liberty and comfort has been taken away!

It’s been unavoidable to step back, staying in our own personal bubbles has been the right and most safest thing to do. However this way of life is bound to take its toll and I suspect like me you take refuge and solace in the words of your loved ones when things get hard.

For me my friendships are an important part of my self care toolkit, coffee dates, dinner dates and other meet up involving a drink and a natter are often like therapy for me and not being able to have much contact with my friends has been one of the hardest things for me lately.

I think in general adversity, whatever shape or form it comes in, undeniably impacts all our relationships and it can be hard to know how to navigate them sometimes, especially friendships.

Knowing how to keep connected when something forces you apart can be very comforting and will hopefully encourage us to keep in contact with our friends. It’s important to remember though that staying connected can look different to everyone and not be easy to accomplish either so taking time to give each other space and understanding is helpful. We all react differently to adversity, we all prioritise different things and cope in our different ways, but saying that if you feel that your attempt to stay connected isn’t being reciprocated or appreciated, it’s ok to hit pause for a while too.

Lately I’ve been trying my best to stay connected to my friendships and although it’s not always easy,  (because like me most of my friends are parents so also like me they have the responsibility of family life, which can be overwhelming to keep up with, especially when facing adversity), I’ve found it really helpful to reach out and keep talking, AND it’s been lovely to still feel apart of each others lives even when it’s impossible to spend time together like we normally do.

Make Video Calls Count - No doubt we can all feel oversaturated with video calling at times, especially if this is also part of your work from home life but if this is your only option then it might help to mix things up a bit. Could you share a meal or movie via video call? Could you cook or play quiz games? Perhaps they could have a theme where you dress up in a certain way or prepare certain drinks and snacks in a fun or unusual way, anything that could make this time feel lighter or bring a closer connection.

Write little love notes - When things don’t feel good many people turn to journaling to help organise their thoughts and feelings, writing can be very cathartic for so many. Why not extend this into a way you can connect more deeply with your friends and turn to the old fashioned way of writing a letter? It’s a great way to express what’s going on with you and an opportunity to put into words what your friendships means too.

Gifts of friendship - I’m a big fan of supporting small businesses and there are so many out there now that do bespoke gifting services or create original beautiful products to treasure and enjoy so sending a keepsake, a delicious treat or even a bunch of flowers to a friend is a wonderful way to remind them you’re thinking of them and helps small business communities near and far.

Photo Collage - If expressing your love and appreciation of another makes you want to be creative then why not try making a photographic homage to your friendship?! This could just be a fun collage of moments in time together or a few beautifully framed memories that you shared, keep it as a reminder for yourself about how dear your friendship is or send to your friend to brighten their day.

Bake off - Last of all, if food is the language of love then baking/making something delicious for your friend and dropping it off on her doorstep will bound to cheer her up and know she is thought of.   A popular American Instagrammer Paige Appel recently started the #thelemonpieproject after wanting to connect with and cheer up her friends when they where living through lockdown regulations in Los Angeles, her idea was inspired with the saying “when life give you lemons..”, she made lemon pies for all her friends and encouraged them to bake them too pass them on to their friends - you can find out more about the project here.

One thing I’ve learnt about friendship in adversity is that it can be at times pleasantly surprising if you allow it to be, and at times bewildering too. Friendships I thought were casual have deepened and become life lines, being a part of something special when life feels hard and watching it unfold has given me so much joy, not mention courage and hope. Have all my friendships continued on in a connected and comfortable manner? No, unfortunately not but this is the time to reiterate that everyone is dealing with their own battles and sometimes friendship can be the casualty of that.

Through the years I’ve lost some good friends through adversity too, and sometimes you reach a point in your life where you simply outgrow people, and that’s ok too. I do believe that life will bring you back to the people that need to be with you if they are lost and let go of the ones that are no longer meant to be.

For now I’m cherishing the people who present, connecting hearts even if we can’t connect hands and finding a new way to move forward with our friendships, keeping them nourished and growing.

HER WISDOM - Helen Perry

Like many of the women I follow on Instagram I can’t remember how I found Helen Perry and her account Not About The Kids but gosh am I glad I did! Helen is not only a fountain of knowledge and experience when it comes to all things Instagram (her social media speciality!) But she genuinely wants to help others grow and see them grow theirs! Helen has been a massive support to me and has been my inspiration and cheerleader when dipping my toe into video content on Insta too! 

Please welcome Helen to my HER WISDOM series, go and say hi over on Instagram and happy reading!

How do you begin your day? What are the first 3 things you do to get your day started?

I don’t have morning rituals as such, although my days always start the same way. I must have a shower and a cup of tea (breakfast time is too early for coffee) and I never, never skip breakfast (when I am being healthy this is porridge, otherwise cereal). And whenever possible I try and walk my son to school rather than drive. It’s just over a mile and I feel 100 times better for the fresh air and exercise.

Share your favourite piece of wisdom and why it means something to you.

There are so many it’s hard to pick, I love an inspirational life quote, a nugget of glorious wisdom. If I have to choose one, I will defer to my granny, Margot. Margot is 103 and has been one of the greatest influences in my life. She has an instinct for how to live well and make good decisions. Her favourite bit of advice is “always look forward, never look back.”

What is your go-to thing of comfort when it all gets too much?

My home and family. Although my online identity is Not About The Kids (a project I started in order to carve out time and opportunities now that my children are a little older), if I am feeling frazzled or that things are fraying around the edges, my mindset is to check in with the children. Are they ok? If so, then everything is ok really.

Who are the women that inspire you?

So many, I’m bound to forget someone great here. Who springs to mind?

Granny Margot, my mum, the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, Emma Thompson, the writer, podcaster and comic Viv Groskop is a current favourite.

All the women who went before us and battled for greater equality and choice, what a debt of gratitude we owe to them. I wonder if I’d have been brave enough to be a suffragette, or bring my kids here from a faraway country to try and build a better life? I’ve had it very easy.

How do you see yourself and what makes up your sense of identity?  

I see myself as a mum, wife, friend and feminist. Having purposeful creative work is incredibly important to me, I got low and felt that I had lost my sense of identity when I didn’t have it (I was a full time mum for a few years, the choice to do that was a great privilege but it didn’t make me happy). 

Do you have a favourite dish or recipe that makes you feel good or gives you a much needed boost?

Pie! I’m a (fish eating) veggie but resolutely not a ‘clean' eater. I try very hard to enjoy everything I eat, whether it is healthy or a treat.

What does confidence mean to you, what builds yours? 

In many ways I am a confident person, but I have always suffered from imposter voices when it comes to work. Overcoming that (insofar as I ever will totally overcome it) has been about realising that the stories you tell yourself, are not always true. Also, keep doing the work. Confidence comes with learning and experience.

What's challenging you right now?

Prioritising my work. Content creating for digital platforms can hoover up all of your time, whilst it is more important for me to focus on product development at the moment. I hope to launch online learning courses a bit later in the year and I have to be really disciplined about finding time to work on them. 

Tell us more about your latest or next project.

Ah there we go, I just did. I hope to start transitioning my blog www.notabout-thekids into a viable digital business. That’s what I am working towards at the moment, alongside growing my audience on social media.

You can follow Helen, and highly recommend you do if Instagram is your thing, here and visit her website Not About The Kids here.

Things to try for a Mindful May

In times of stress and worry it’s natural to project into the future and ruminate on what might happen, and you may find yourself obsessing over details that happened in the past. I think you may already know that this kind of behaviour isn’t great for our wellbeing but how do we let go of it and ground ourselves in the present moment?

Being mindful is key to managing behaviour that can end up leading to anxiety and panic, when we focus in on just being in the here and now we can really build our resilience muscle and let go of all the negative thoughts that aren’t serving us.

Now I’m not suggesting you stop planning ahead for your weekly food shop or a coffee date with a friend, and you definitely shouldn’t stop reflecting on past events and experiences good or bad because there’s always lessons and growth from acknowledging how and when things go wrong.

However constantly living in the future or the past can be detrimental and stop you from connecting with all the wonderful stuff going on in your life right now, not to mention gift you a sense of peace and gratitude too, now doesn’t that sound like a tonic?

Mindfulness can feel like an alien word or concept to many, it may conjure up visions of sitting cross legged on blanket chanting all kinds sounds and noise but actually it can be very simple and easy to attain.

Here are 3 things to try this month to find some mindful moments:

• This is great one to start with, it’s one of my favourites and easy to do. Go outside, take off your shoes and socks and walk around on the grass (if you can’t use an outdoor space or the weather isn’t great this does work inside too), notice what you feel, is it warm or cold, wet or dry? Close your eyes, notice what you can hear and smell? Then open them again, what can you see that you’ve never noticed before? Then ask yourself what does this moment allow you to feel thankful for?

• Take an activity that you usually do and turn into a mindful moment, for instance putting on make up is a daily mindful moment for me. I completely zone in on what I’m doing, I take note of how the brushes feel on my skin, how the products feel, what I can hear outside the bathroom window and what I can see in the mirror, and I really try to slow the whole process down - if I can! What daily activity could you try? Washing up, taking a shower, cooking dinner? Give it a try!

• Mini Meditations - if you’re like me you might find meditating doesn’t come naturally so you could try guided ones, which is what I like to do and there are some great apps out there you can download to your phone to help with this. Alternatively try practicing meditation on your own and make it mini. Sit somewhere comfortable, close your eyes and take 3 slow deep breaths, then imagine dumping all your thoughts and worries on to a fluffy cloud and blowing that cloud away. Next I want you to observe 3 things in your surrounding, what can you hear, what can smell and what can you feel beneath you - and that’s it! Practice this mini meditation whenever you feel stressed, worried or frustrated.

I hope these ideas are useful, do get in touch via 365pearlsofwisdom@gmail.com or over on Instagram and let me know how you get on!