Ever had a relationship with someone that felt difficult and uncomfortable, or one now that still fills you with dread and anxiety? You may be experiencing a toxic relationship.
According to yourdictionaty.com the definition of toxic is...
Something poisonous, or something very harmful or bad.
Those are some big, intense adjectives right? But a toxic relationship can have the potential to be all these things if you let it, plus they're not just exclusive to romantic relationships, you can have them with friends, family members, work colleagues and even neighbours - just about anyone in your life really.
Navigating a toxic relationship can bring shame, anger and a feeling of wading through mud — hard, uncomfortable and completely isolating. These kind of relationship can constantly bring you down as well as impacting massively on your energy levels, and what’s more they can be very hard to break free from especially if you find yourself as a people pleaser or experiencing a time in your life where you are vulnerable.
Some toxic relationships can also cross the boundaries of bullying and being abusive and it’s really important to understand if you are trapped in that situation and where to find support, look out for more information on this at the end of the post.
Over the years I have had my fair share of toxic relationships, plus as a support worker I’ve helped women in all kinds of different situations manage and overcome toxic relationship so I’m sharing some of my personal and professional tips here to help you too:
So how do you know if a relationship is toxic?
A simple and easy way to know if a relationship is toxic is to observe how you feel about this person and spending time with them, ask yourself:
- How do I feel when I make plans to see them?
- How do think and feel in the lead up to spending time with them?
- How do I feel when I’m with them?
- Do they say or do things that are disrespectful and/or hurtful towards me as a person or my lifestyle?
- Do they criticise my choices, decisions and/or beliefs
- Do they undermine me?
- Do they always centre themselves in our conversations or activities?
- Do they control or manipulate our time together?
- How do I feel after I’ve spent time with them?
These are some questions you can ask yourself about a potential toxic relationship to understand what’s going on better by establishing how you react to and experience your time with this person.
If you see a negative patten or even feel upset and uptight while exploring these questions then that’s a sign that this relationship is having a toxic effect on you, if your not sure use the questions to dive deeper still.
How can you manage this relationship?
At this point you may have known or suspected that a relationship is toxic for you, however you may have just discovered this for the first time and feel confused, overwhelmed and possibly quite anxious. If you are feeling troubled it’s important to look after yourself, think about a trusted person you can talk to or somewhere you can find support (more information below).
Some of you may be very aware that a friendship or a relationship with a neighbour is having a negative impact on you but not feel like you know how to navigate it in a way that leaves you feeling good and well, so here are some ideas:
You could choose to step away from the relationship if you can, some people are only meant to be in our lives for a period of time and just because you’ve known them from pre-school doesn’t mean you have to remain connected to them, especially if that harmful and unpleasant for you.
If you have to spend time with them because of circumstances like work or family commitments then you can out some mindset practices in place before hand:
- Share how you feel with someone you trust
- Make a choice to respond to their toxic behaviour calmly
- Know that their opinion is just that and not fact
- If their behaviour or conversation gets to much give your self permission to disengage
- Know that any negativity or harmful behaviour is a reflection of them and not you
You may find yourself at a point where you no longer want a relationship to continue, so should you end it by telling them why or slip away from the relationship quietly?
The easier option is to just stop talking to them and/or seeing them, BUT is that the right option? Only you can make that decision for yourself, if you choose to let that person know that you no longer want to spend time with them I urge you to do it in a respectful and calm way, try to stick to facts stating how you feel rather than suggesting they make you feel a certain way, for example:
“I need some time to myself because I find our conversations/time together difficult/negative/not in my best interests any more.”
It’s tempting to lay all your hurt feelings and angry emotions out for them to see but it’s likely they will agree or not understand. You can end a relationship with someone in a polite and calm way and I promise you will feel better for it.
What can you do to feel balanced and rested?
Once you have come away from the time spent with them, or the relationship for good, it’s important that you take some time to rest and recover. You may feel emotionally and mentally exhausted and acknowledging that and making time for self care is so important.
Again talk to someone you trust, plan something positive for yourself in advance that you know will make you feel good afterwards, journal your thoughts and feelings, get plenty or water and rest as these two things massively impact us especially when we are stressed.
Most of all continue to practice compassion and forgiveness towards yourself, you most likely haven’t done anything wrong in this relationship, if this person is making you feel bad about yourself keep questioning it, is that really the truth, are you really who or what they project you are?
Perspective is everything and it’s yours, not theirs that matters!
If you find that your relationship is abusive...
You can discover if you are experiencing domestic abuse by visiting the Women’s Aid website and reading more about what domestic abuse is here. It’s really important to reach out for support if you feel the toxic relationship in your life is actually domestic abuse, here are some other useful resources:
National Domestic Abuse Helpline
Toxic relationships are always tricky, remember you always have a choice about how and when you engage in them and when you start taking control you will feel more empowered and most importantly more peace with in yourself, after all life is to short to put up with something that doesn’t look out for your wellbeing.
And as Oprah once said - “Surround yourself with people who only lift you higher!"
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