We’re pretty much half way through this year and, for me personally, it can be a smart and useful idea to look back over the first 6 months and reflect on what’s happened, how that feels and then take a few purposeful steps forward.
As someone who’s easily distracted, I often get to June and wonder where has the time gone and why haven’t all those big plans I had back at the start of the year come to life yet...? So checking in with myself now helps to recalibrate any plans and goals I have, setting me off on the right track again.
So now, this has been my self care theme for the last week and it’s not escaped my attention that one particular area of my life has given me so much insight recently, and if I’m being honest it’s not just something I’ve been thinking about lately but a situation I’ve been mulling over for quite a while now.
The subject of relationships and friendships has always been a rollercoaster for most of my life, there are so many layers in this for me but one thing that I’ve managed to unpack lately is the presence of people throughout my life that actually reflected back who I was deep down at my core.
I know, especially in the earlier days as a teenager and young adult I had a real lack of positive, healthy relationships and not many role models to learn from either. A lot of this was connected to my emotional and mental health, how I viewed and navigated relationships with others and my need to be seen and acknowledged — needless to say most of this ended up manifesting itself in a negative way.
Now I’ve been lucky enough to start turning this around in the later half of my life, and in the last few year I’ve been able connect with some gorgeously authentic people from the most unexpected places and I’m really starting to feel seen and heard by others for who I really am. But this has taken quite some nurturing on my part, especially with my history of unhealthy, toxic relationships, with some lightbulb moments and deep, reflective self care.
So at this point then I really feel the need to share a few secrets with you about what I’ve learnt along the way, ones that I think could really change your relationship dynamics too...
First off, and this is so important, your relationships with other people can show up in many different ways and they don’t all have to be incredibly intense and meaningful — and it’s you who gets to choose how someone in present in your life.
For example not every friendship has to become a life long best friend, you can have your parenting buddies you go to the park with, your friend who you workout with, a group of people you share a hobby with or a neighbour you walk the dog with. Having friends or relationships that focus only on one common area of your life can be liberating, that’s where you put your energy when you're with them, making your time together more simple and easy going and you’ll see that you get more out it.
Another good relationship practice, that can feel tricky to do but so worth while, is to manage your time with difficult relationships in a way that’s better for you. There’s always going to be some toxic person in your life that you can’t easily walk away from — an annoying family member or a difficult colleague for instance — you might not be able to completely remove them from your life but you can reframe how you show up around them. Remember their negative energy or words is a reflection of something in them not you, no-one has the right to bully or pressure you into something that doesn’t feel good and most importantly you can choose to take a break from any situation that makes you feel sad, angry or shameful, gifting yourself the space to step away can be so healing and you deserve to have that.
I’ve also written more thoughts on navigating toxic relationship here and being a people pleaser here, where you can get some more insights and ideas on managing these types of difficult situations.
Last of all then, seek out and find the people who really do resonate with you at the core of who you are and everything that you stand for because we all need those people in our lives. These are people who mirror your goals, share your values and encourage you to dream big. These are people who have achieved what you want to achieved, lived in a way that you want to live or are creating their life in a way that excites you. It’s not about copying them or wanting to be exactly like them, it’s about taking inspiration, sharing ideas, sparking creativity and having someone on your side who get’s exactly who you are at your most authentic and cheers you along the way - these are the relationships you need to connect to and cultivate, and then I promise that these are the relationships that will change your life.
You need to remember though not everyone can or will show up like this for you in life, and that’s ok. You don’t need a ten fold team of ride or die besties, in fact one or two is sometimes better. Also your people might come into your life in the most unexpected way — maybe as a mentor or someone you meet at an event or on your travels to the other side of the world!
And if you’re reading this and think you have no one like this in your life right now please don’t feel out of luck, there are many ways to connect to new people. Social media is the obvious and easiest one, follow people that resonate with you or inspire you and start chatting, if you’re shy start small and don’t be afraid to unfollow if you need to. Also you can start to look for new ways to connect to others in your community too, like groups or clubs. And if you’re feeling bold and brave then maybe it’s time to find a new job or new neighbourhood where the people are more inline with who you are or what you want expand into.
Human connection, the right connection, is just so good for our wellbeing, even if you’re an introvert a small group of people around you who honour that will give you the space to be who you really are. When we invest in our relationship with people, the ones that lift us higher, then we invest in ourselves and that’s something that everyone is worthy of.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
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